Putting on Your Own Sunscreen: Part 11

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In the early hours of last Saturday morning, at 3am, I fled the spooky house in the woods I’d been staying in for the past few weeks.

I hadn’t been able to sleep properly for those weeks. Something felt off and I was consistently on edge as soon as the sun dipped and the darkness came. Goosebumps, heart pumping. I tossed and turned and, on every hour, opened my eyes to glance around the room. At 2am or 3am, I always woke up wide awake.

I’d gone from living in hostels, sleeping on friends couches, snuggled in safe beds, resting my head each night with a roomie in the bunkbed below me, and curled up around my best friend each night to living alone in an airy empty ski chalet that felt like someone had hastily left, leaving behind two yoga mats, burned sage, a power bank, an old manual film camera and a pile of bricks in my bedroom.

Maybe I’d just overthought it too much. Maybe there really was a weird vibe to the place. Either way, it wasn’t for me.

And so I left.

Two trains and a bus later and I walked up the starlit streets of Nozawa Onsen, my home-away-from-home in Japan. My body felt instantly at ease. I know these streets like the back of my hand, and even in the dark I didn’t feel scared anymore. I’ve spent the past week relaxing into the slow meandering life that is summer in Nozawa Onsen.

Lazy mornings with porridge made bearable by chunks of Whittakers chocolate stirred in (sorry Talisker, I’ve eaten all three blocks). Then I aimed to spend a few hours working on freelance projects fuelled by coffee and air-con. The afternoons I spent bathing in a little stream and sun baking on the grass. I made time to finish my book. I’ve been reading The Roads to Sata by Alan Booth. It’s about the author’s experience of walking the length of Japan. I’m looking forward to seeing with my own eyes some of the places he wrote about. Despite many areas of Japan being desolate of people, there are actually reminders of people everywhere, even if it’s just a phone signal connecting you to someplace else.

Booth lived in Japan for much of his adult life. On some days during his journey, he woke up wishing he could leave Japan forever but then sweet interactions would occur and he’d go to sleep happily rested in his adopted home. On other days, he’d wake up grateful and joyous and go to bed with dreams to hop on the next plane out of here. Funnily enough, Booth did his walk in the mid-1980s but a lot of his content about Japan still felt relatable even now in 2023. Things move slowly here.

Japan is a tough place to live if you’re a foreigner. For one, there’s no escape or day off… You stand out always. I often felt like I was the only blonde-haired woman living in Joetsu! You’ve got to uphold the reputation of all foreigners. But then on some days you just want to use the foreigner card as an excuse to jump around or “forget” about a custom. It’s a challenge. But it’s not without its rewards.

I didn’t imagine that I’d have lived in Japan for this long. But it’s funny how life surprises you like that. You never know what’s around the corner. I’m grateful for my time here, especially being able to have seen all four seasons from the blazing reds and oranges of autumn, to the snowy depths of winter, to the cheery blossom confetti of Spring, to the glorious sunshine days of summer.

When you chuck yourself into writing a chapter of your life in a foreign country, you are confronted with different values and ways of living. It forces you to look within and decide on your own personal values.

For me, give me people who aren’t afraid of too much information, who deep dive and want to know you inside and out. Give me Greek Salads and long summer evenings. Give me community and the ability to dance anywhere. Freedom to be myself.

In a family group chat, my Grandma recently added a photo of my cousin and I, as babies. We were smooshed up, fast asleep, in a cot. Luke’s arm was thrown over me. We were easily less than 12 months old. Looking at that little photo of little me, made me feel a bit cheesy. And just a bit protective over that tiny being in the photo. It was a nice reminder that we were all just baby beans once upon a time. And how would you look after a baby? With your life.

This has been a marvellous week of peace. Just the other day, putting on my own sunscreen I had a thought. In much of my travels last year, I bathed in beautiful views, just to wish someone was there to share it with me. Although I know now, I am a sharer first and foremost, it was in that little moment, enjoying the sun setting behind Mt Myoko in the distance, seeing the last of the sun’s rays lighting up the valley, I realised I wasn’t wishing for anything to be different.

I just felt damn grateful to be there in that moment with me.

Which brings me to another thought.

You know that feeling when life is so damn good and you’re so excited for what’s to come, you feel really scared something bad is gonna happen?

I am just so eager to be wrapped in the arms of those I love most again.

My best friend in less than a week.

My family next month.

My soul sisters, dear friends and other family members a month later.

I am counting down the days til the next adventure, one that will lead me home.

Happy by myself, but happiest with the people I love. Cannot wait!

The moral of this story? Let gratitude colour everything you do.