Too Much is Never Enough
There are 70 days till the end of 2017 and the beginning of a new year...
Seventy more days to make adventures out of and to ensure that this roller coaster of a year ends on the best note.
Seventy more days to reflect, to learn, to grow.
And this post is one of reflection, because there have been many lessons learnt so far. Many more to learn. This year has been a turbulent one. This age of leaving teenagedom and entering the real world, is rocky and full of different paths to take...
Throughout all the moments of this year, I have been learning more about myself. And one of the key characteristics that makes me me, is that I am not someone who just potters along. I like to feel.
And I feel a lot.
In the moments where I am at my happiest, I bloom with joy...Smiling at strangers on the streets, jiving out in the aisle of the supermarket. When I am at my saddest, I shatter. Tearing up, not only for myself but for the sorrow of the world; I feel other people's sadness just as much as my own. It confuses me and I have a mad desire to fix things and make things better. To make people happy and smile again.
I often am told, and often I think myself...that I feel TOO MUCH...
These past few weeks have been a whirlwind of low upon low - they say sad things come in threes...(so maybe some happiness is around the corner ???).
Boy have my feelings overwhelmed me. I've felt heavy.
I've learnt some tough things;
A lot of it, is about people...
People who want to be in your life will fight for you, they will put in the effort. Other people will say goodbye. And it's sad. But that's life...release that weight.
Your heart will break again and again and again. Yet it still beats. You want to feel numb rather than sore. That want never leads to anything though.
People are always changing and they always change their minds.
People can surprise you...in the most heartless of ways. They can make you feel worthless, because their words are sweet sweet nothing. Yet their actions say everything.
People can be so so blind and you can never make everyone happy.
There is no way to be perfect. You will continue to make mistakes until the day you die.
Everyone is on their own journey...which means people come and go....and you just have to let them...It's the hardest thing to do, but you just have to do it.
Life takes the best ones.
Sometimes you have to give up. Because there's no point fighting anymore. Just give up and give in and forget, put it all behind you and run, run and run and run....flee from those who hurt you.
Life is full of shit times and sometimes you just have to take a knee. Because life hits hard.
And what is the point?
Love is met with coldness. Kindness is met with inconsideration.
And why is it that we only see our family and our friends at the end of life?
Sometimes you can give and give and give. Pouring your heart out...
But too much is still never enough
and it's all for nothing...
I have so many things I want to say. But it seems that every time I speak, I make things worse. I want to sow seeds in people's minds that bloom into beautiful happy flowers, turning their hearts towards the sun. Yet thick, gloopy inked words blur the page, messing it all up - words deserving only of finding a home in the nearest trash can, not in a sacred mind. I'm so scared of speaking my truth because society does not want me too.
I never understand why people leave. I never understand how people can turn cold and turn their backs. Don't they realise that everything that means the most in life is about coming together?
If only we didn't have to make people memories...memories that come back to us upon the wind, when you see a the clear blue sky reflecting in someones eyes, when you see a bright floral dress twirling in the wind.
Oh love, oh life. Why do you have to be so cruel. Can't we all just get along?
And that's the thing....Why is it wrong to care so much? Why am I being told that I'm crazy for feeling so much? Why am I being told that I feel TOO much?
At least I'm trying. At least I am being honest and kind.
And this is the greatest lesson of all that I've learnt...
People get lost in their lives...striving for success and happiness and money and connections. But happiness has become blurred by what seems like a selfish human desire. There are so many ways to connect with people, yet we choose to look down at our screens and distance ourselves with small talk. It's so hard to live in a society where there's so many choices, but so much emptyness.
Because what is happiness other than simply sitting next to someone you love in calm content silence? What is happiness other than sitting at a big table overflowing with food, family and friends, bathed in sunlight with the background music being laughter? What is happiness other than holding someone in your arms, whispering everything is going to be alright?
But among all these harsh lessons - there have been wildflowers reaching up through the cracks in the concrete...little things reminding me that happiness can be found anywhere.
Life's experiences will try to numb you, to harden you up...
But I say NO to that.
And so for the best lessons I've learnt:
The hard moments make you hold on and treasure the little special moments even more...stars on a cloudy night.
You should go where the good vibes are.
It's good to be alone sometimes, to figure things out, to grow. But you are never truly alone...help is always there...you only have to ask.
Vulnerability can give other people the power to destroy you - but it also gives you more room to grow strong.
And an end can be a beginning.
People live on in our hearts and the way we live out our own lives.
Love shouldn't dismay you, it should set you free.
Change can be beautiful - just look at spring.
Keep your eyes open, your head up and your heart full...